I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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