that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
