could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
