2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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