I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
