Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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