dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
