Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
