I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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