ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
