I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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