you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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