I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
