6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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