I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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