i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
