Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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