You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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