my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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