Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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