He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
