someone get that fucking seahorse.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
