Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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