She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
