You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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