How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
