I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
