i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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