I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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