I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
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