Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
