What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
