Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
