my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
