dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
