ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
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I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
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