i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
