Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
