don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
