im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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