New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
