Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
