did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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