yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
