just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
