i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm too high and old for this...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
