He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
