My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
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