he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
