She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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