If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize