he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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