I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
