So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
