she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
