It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
