I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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