Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
