I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
And then he peed in my hair
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